I love action movies. I love fight scenes, and explosions, and cool-looking effect. And I love the hot guys that usually star in those, too. I find that when you have all of those things together, with not a lot of gore (I am still a girl, you know), it makes for a really awesome movie.
“Immortals” seemed to me like it would fit all of these requirements. There were hot guys aplenty (Henry Cavill, Stephen Dorff, Kellan Lutz, Luke Evans), hot girls (Freida Pinto and the Oracle attendants), fights, and incredible visuals.
But overall, I kinda wish I’d had my two hours back.
I like to think I’m pretty good at following movies, even where there is some complexity to them. But for some reason, I spent the first half hour or so of this movie feeling like I’d missed the previous episode. I’m not sure why, it’s not like the plot is overly complicated. Maybe I just didn’t care enough?? Either way, I felt lost. I had to keep clarifying things and I’m sure I was driving my bf crazy with questions.
And then finally I was able to follow along. So the plot is basically that King Hyperion is angry that the Gods let his wife and child die, and so he wants to end them. He plans to do this by finding the Epirus Bow, which shoots energy arrows that manifest when the string is pulled, to free the Titans. These Titans will then destroy everything, including the Gods.
Theseus is a mortal man, handpicked and trained by Zeus (in the form of an old man) to save his people and stop Hyperion. Unfortunately, he’s off daydreaming somewhere while the bad guys show up and terrorize everyone, and Hyperion kills his mom. Theseus is then taken prisoner to the salt mines (which looks remarkably like a Mediterranean hotel room terrace with a small pool in the middle of nowhere) where he is saved by a a group of men and the hot women who serve as distractions. Followed by two men (later just one) and the virgin Oracle (later a non-virgin, non-Oracle), he sets out to find the bow and avenge the death of his mother.
Now, I expected a fairly loose plot. I figure explosions and super hot guys and fight scenes aren’t usually associated with incredibly well written plot lines and deep, meaningful topics. And that’s fine, I can accept that. I can even appreciate that, since it means I can concentrate on the abs and not worry about the plot. But I still like it to make some sense. Doesn’t have to be much, but some, you know??
So “Immortals” is kinda lacking in the sense department. There isn’t very much rhyme or reason given for anything. It starts off with Hyperion freeing the Titans…and then goes back to before, as he’s searching for the bow. Way to ruin it, much?? We now know he’ll get past Theseus. But let’s pretend we missed those first 30 seconds.
So Theseus is a bastard. Does this matter?? No. He fights with some soldier. Does this matter?? No. Said soldier joins Hyperion. Does this matter?? No. Well, there is a pretty painful part involving his genitals. But still, no matter.
Then it shows the Gods. Besides Zeus, it shows Athena, Ares, and Poseidon. IMBD tells me that it also had Helios and Heracles. Sure. So Zeus bans them from interfering. Really?? Since when do the Gods not interfere?? But sure, whatever. He tells them interfering will mean death. So then Poseidon decides to ignore this and jumps off their little observation deck in Olympus and causes a tidal wave. For what?? Honestly, I’m not sure. He may have been trying to save Theseus and his band of followers. He may also have been trying to kill them. I have no idea.
Moving on. Theseus then finds the bow. Now, it’s not hidden in any kind of well-guarded or holy place. Just inside some rock next to where they bury ppl in the random little town that just happens to be his hometown. So he finds the bow, fights a Minotaur thing, shoots a few people. He gets poisoned from the Minotaur he killed (or at least, some guy in a horse-shaped head thing) and then has the most awkward and unromantic sex scene with the virgin Oracle, as she doesn’t want to have visions anymore. Yes, this is clearly the best time to lose all sight of what could and couldn’t happen. Good timing. The scene itself is terrible. He’s hot, she’s hot – it still sucks. It’s like, they kiss, she takes off her clothes, lays down, begs him to rid her off the visions, and he fucks her. Not even a little bit of foreplay or a pretense of romance. It’s not even some hot, non-romantic scene that makes you wish you were there. Nope. Just one kiss and then bam!! Fucking. I expected more from a visually pleasing action movie.
Not to mention that people died so that the Oracle could live and be free. And she thanks them by what?? Doing what’s right?? No. Avenging their deaths?? No. By having sex and ridding herself of the very thing that they all died to protect. Way to have respect.
Theseus then leads everyone into a trap, where he loses the bow (to a dog!!!) and has to be rescued by Athena and Ares. Zeus gets pissed and kills Ares. But he still gives Theseus and them some horses to ride. Now, do they use these horses to get the bow?? No. Do the two Gods, who have killed all of Hyperion’s men who were about to kill Theseus, kill the dog?? No. So now Hyperion has it. And he frees the Titans.
So yes, the human who was hand-picked by Zeus, the hero of our tale, fails miserably. He has the bow for approximately five minutes and then loses it to the one person who shouldn’t have it. He (spoiler!!) eventually fights and kills Hyperion, but not before getting his ass kicked pretty freaking bad. And by pretty freaking bad, I mean he’s suffered a mortal wound.
So now that Titans are out, Zeus and the Gods come to fight. Does he bring everyone?? No. Just four other Gods. ‘Cause apparently, they’re so badass that four of them can take on what appears to be a shitload of never-ending Titans. Maybe the rest are off interfering with humanity elsewhere??
Here’s the scene, however, that kinda makes it worth watching. Regardless of my earlier, fairly sarcastic comment, the Gods really are kinda badass. The scene is done incredibly well and visually, it’s amazing. The Titans are all dark and kinda shadowed, dirty and dull. The Gods are golden and light, bright and clean and clearly regal. The contrast between them as they fight is fantastic. I don’t believe there is an awesome enough picture that can adequately convey what I feel is one of the most beautiful movie scenes I have seen in a long time…maybe ever. I loved it.
The rest of the movie isn’t any better than the beginning. Zeus destroys the bow (why didn’t he do that in the first place?!?!) and kills the Titans by destroying the mountain (’cause apparently falling rock kills Gods). Then Zeus takes Theseus and the body of Athena back to Olympus. They then show a scene with Theseus’ son who can see visions (I guess since his mom was the Oracle??) who is told by Zeus (in his old man form) that there will be another war, and that he (the kid) will fight, since his father (Theseus) will lead the war. And then it shows a vision of all the Gods (including the supposed dead ones) fighting.
Yeah. I was upset enough to write an entire long rant about how terrible this movie is. So if you can help it, don’t watch it. Or, if you’re okay with no plot, no sense, and kick ass, then by all means, watch away!!
- Immortals Bludgeons its Way to Home Video (dreadcentral.com)
- PHOTOS: Come Worship The Men (And Gods) Of Immortals (queerty.com)
- MOVIES: The ‘300’ wannabe ‘Immortals’ is an ungodly mess (kitsapsun.com)
- Immortals (ogechifx.wordpress.com)
- SPINOFF REVIEW: “Immortals” (spinoff.comicbookresources.com)
- What Was the Point of Phaedra’s Vision(s)? (**SPOILERS**) (pagelady.wordpress.com)
- Immortal Monday on the Epirus Bow and Mount Tartarus (debrakristi.wordpress.com)